Tonight is my first night in the van full time. I’m moved out of my apartment, put stuff in storage, sold a lot and hopefully my things are going to people who can use them more than I.
I do have some fears, mostly being cold or spilling crap everywhere. However, as I think about tonight, it’s a new beginning, one that will be very hard for me, but necessary for my growth as a spiritual and physical being. I have gone over in my head the different situations that might come up. These are not van-break-down scenarios (although I’ve thought about that!), but more what I will do when I feel emotionally anxious or lonely.
I do not deal with loneliness very much anymore. I have three very social jobs and actually love my alone time. I also have a family and support system of friends who I can call in one second to make me feel loved. I do not fear loneliness in that sense. I fear downtime in the van. I wonder if I will get anxious or claustrophobic. I worry that my heater will break in the middle of the night. I worry I won’t be able to get the door open when my hands are frozen.
I do have worries, but to be honest, I’m elated!
I want to live alone again. I want to be free and not tied down by rent payments in large buildings that provide more space than I need for unnecessary items that clutter my mind. I want to own my own thing, that no one can take or use. I want to put my energy and soul into this thing and make it a part of me.
I want to find out what it means to survive. I want to see what I need to live on. I want to be able to go somewhere at any time and know how to live or what to do. I want to teach myself to fix my shit when it breaks. I want to get tougher, to embrace cold or exposure.
I want to find a way to live comfortably in a van. I want to have less of an impact on the world. I want to be responsible for my energy usage, and try to mitigate that usage if I can. I want to love it. I want it to be challenging. I want to live in my van.
Here goes everything.