Tonight is my first night in the van full time. I’m moved out of my apartment, put stuff in storage, sold a lot and hopefully my things are going to people who can use them more than I.

I do have some fears, mostly being cold or spilling crap everywhere. However, as I think about tonight, it’s a new beginning, one that will be very hard for me, but necessary for my growth as a spiritual and physical being. I have gone over in my head the different situations that might come up. These are not van-break-down scenarios (although I’ve thought about that!), but more what I will do when I feel emotionally anxious or lonely.

I do not deal with loneliness very much anymore. I have three very social jobs and actually love my alone time. I also have a family and support system of friends who I can call in one second to make me feel loved. I do not fear loneliness in that sense. I fear downtime in the van. I wonder if I will get anxious or claustrophobic. I worry that my heater will break in the middle of the night. I worry I won’t be able to get the door open when my hands are frozen.

I do have worries, but to be honest, I’m elated!

I want to live alone again. I want to be free and not tied down by rent payments in large buildings that provide more space than I need for unnecessary items that clutter my mind. I want to own my own thing, that no one can take or use. I want to put my energy and soul into this thing and make it a part of me.

I want to find out what it means to survive. I want to see what I need to live on. I want to be able to go somewhere at any time and know how to live or what to do. I want to teach myself to fix my shit when it breaks. I want to get tougher, to embrace cold or exposure.

I want to find a way to live comfortably in a van. I want to have less of an impact on the world. I want to be responsible for my energy usage, and try to mitigate that usage if I can. I want to love it. I want it to be challenging. I want to live in my van.

Here goes everything.

5 thoughts on “Well, here goes everything…”

  1. You are one amazing brave woman Ellie; I wouldn’t have even thought of doing something like this, but it’s been so cool seeing you get your van ready for living in, and I’m going to be thinking of you and hopefully remembering to pray for you, that you’d stay warm, that you wouldn’t worry, and that you’d learn amazing things about how God cares for His loved children.

    1. Aw thank you for saying that Emily. I have been so lucky and also, really loved by God. Before this I prayed so much that everything would work out. There were so many unknowns…but I felt like I wanted to do this. Things have worked out so far. Of course, it’s hard sometimes, but every night I go to bed thanking God for everything He has done for me.

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