If I’ve learned anything about myself as I get older is that I am very impulsive. I do things sometimes with little thought and let the chips fall where they lie.

For example, I got my nose pierced randomly on a day when I had an extra hour of time and wanted to visit I the local tattoo/piercing/coffee place.

I make plans with short notice and actually prefer that.

I sign up for random races of varying distances just because they sound fun or I’m restless.

Last week, I was feeling emotionally vulnerable and angry. Angry at myself for falling into belief with the idea that I could manage all things. Angry that I was vulnerable. Angry that I wanted normal things in a normal life. Angry that I allowed myself to feel like I deserved some sort of kinship.

So, I wrote an impulsive blog post.

Granted, I still do find value in relationships, but I was silly in putting faith in them, or faith in finding them. I left myself open to getting burned or feeling lonely and ignored.

I was angry I let myself do that. I am very self reliant and when I want to depend on someone else or find some other sort of meaning, I usually fail.

That’s just my life and that’s just me. I love my friendships, but I will never be the person who depends on others. I have cultivated much self love because I do not expect others to love me.

That’s just me.

I’ve accepted it. I was angry, but I’m not anymore. I don’t like being mad at anything for longer than a couple days, so I’m on the upswing. Back to trusting myself, loving myself and living how I want.

Onward and upward.

17 thoughts on “Upswing”

  1. Proud of you for picking yourself back up Ellie. Life is tough- but so are you. Keep your head up girl. And I get you with the spontaneous thing… I am the same way!

  2. Story of my life. I have made a rule (that I’m slowly getting better at following) that I CANNOT make any “big decisions” while emotional. I’m extra emotional these days so it’s hard to follow at times. I’m getting better at learning my cues though. Sometimes impulse is the only way to go, and I do much better making last minute plans.

  3. Seriously love how honest you are Ellie; I’m thankful you shared those thoughts last week though because I struggle with those things too; I’ve gotten angry about it too, and I’m thankful for way better days afterwards. It happens to all of us Ellie. <3

  4. You have garnered an amazing – amazing – base of self love – I’m sure due largely from your experiences and upbringing etc. etc. And being independent is an inspiring virtue. Your ability to fend for yourself, both physically and emotionally, has always amazed me. As long as you let friends like me love you as well. And know that it is okay to need a little dependence from time to time.

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