If I’ve learned anything about myself as I get older is that I am very impulsive. I do things sometimes with little thought and let the chips fall where they lie.
For example, I got my nose pierced randomly on a day when I had an extra hour of time and wanted to visit I the local tattoo/piercing/coffee place.
I make plans with short notice and actually prefer that.
I sign up for random races of varying distances just because they sound fun or I’m restless.
Last week, I was feeling emotionally vulnerable and angry. Angry at myself for falling into belief with the idea that I could manage all things. Angry that I was vulnerable. Angry that I wanted normal things in a normal life. Angry that I allowed myself to feel like I deserved some sort of kinship.
So, I wrote an impulsive blog post.
Granted, I still do find value in relationships, but I was silly in putting faith in them, or faith in finding them. I left myself open to getting burned or feeling lonely and ignored.
I was angry I let myself do that. I am very self reliant and when I want to depend on someone else or find some other sort of meaning, I usually fail.
That’s just my life and that’s just me. I love my friendships, but I will never be the person who depends on others. I have cultivated much self love because I do not expect others to love me.
I’ve accepted it. I was angry, but I’m not anymore. I don’t like being mad at anything for longer than a couple days, so I’m on the upswing. Back to trusting myself, loving myself and living how I want.
Onward and upward.