Some Days I Cry

I can’t do it anymore.

I can’t do balance anymore.

I can’t spread my heart around anymore.

I wish I could be able to focus on running, my job and relationships, but I can’t.

I feel like this is a “pick two” situation and one is automatically my job.

I’ve tried. I want to have enough emotional and mental bandwidth to have deep connections with people, to let myself be vulnerable and give/recieve love. 

But I can’t.

Some days I cry. 

I cry because I want so bad to have it all. I want to be 100% with running, work and relationships, but I can’t. I cry because I want to want those things. I want to be happy waiting for or looking for close relationships. I want to be someone who wants to be with people, who wants to find something. But honestly, being alone is easier. 

Not having feelings is easier than feeling real feelings about others. If I remain at a distance, if I put a block on it, I can never be disappointed. I can block out the stress building. I can pretend that being alone is what I want, when really it’s just easier.

I talked about stress in an earlier post, and part of it comes from this. I want to give myself to emotional connection to other people, but to be honest and blunt, that shit wears me out. I feel exhausted in my own head. My stress manifests in niggles and pains, which makes running terrible.

It’s not worth it to me. I’d rather be alone.

I want to run everyday without fear that I’ll break.

I want to smile and laugh with myself. I want to lose myself in the trails, the roads, the track, not in someone else.

Why? Because running never changes. It will be both hard and easy, produce highs and lows, be familiar, yet change everyday. In short, it’s dependable. It’s straight with me. I don’t need to use my brain to decode the signals running gives me. It doesn’t send mixed messages. 

If I must chose two of the three and one is my job, the other will be running. 

I just can’t with humans right now. I can’t let myself be open. Being open means high highs, but low lows. I’d rather be content and injury free then put faith in someone who might let me down. 

I’m done.

It’s running and me. Till the end.

28 thoughts on “Some Days I Cry”

  1. When the right person stumbles into your life, when you aren’t searching, they will be the perfect balance to where it doesn’t feel like you have to give it your all. If running makes you most happy right now then keep running! No one says you have to find a relationship and if it’s more stress than good trying to search it’s not worth it. I definitely want a person to explore with, but I can’t search. I won’t search. They will stumble into my life at just the right moment. Until then, the other priorities will take center stage. I support you, and just keep doing you! Sending you hugs.

    1. I agree….it always happens when you least expect it. Focus on what makes you happy and the person that does that too will come when the time is right. Run on!

    2. Thanks Britt. I knew you would understand as we are of a similar breed 😉 We just can’t keep looking for something that might not be there. It has to find us (or not) when we’re ready.

  2. Hello,
    From an outsider’s perspective, this seems like disordered thinking, and makes me very concerned for your well- being. Running is my relief from stress, but it’s not a substitute for humans. From your photo, you look extremely underweight- that and overtraining is the true cause of your aches and pains. I’ve been where you are, and the other side is happier. Try and let go of your control a little bit. It’s scary, but you might find something happier in its place.

    1. I honestly don’t want to deal with comments about weight right now. I don’t really care what you or other people think about it. Thanks for your concern, but this piece was not about that so you obviously missed the point. I am not thinking about maintaining a certain physique or diet in this context, I am speaking in terms of my stress in relation to other lifestyle factors. This is MY blog and these are MY feelings, maybe try putting yourself in my shoes eh?

      1. I think Lisa brings up a good point, and tried to share it with a bit of empathy, as she said she’s “been there.” Maybe she did try to put herself in your shoes. Fueling/eating/weight may not be completely independent of your current stress and your very defensive retort is telling. How’s your sleep, your period, your mood apart from running (re: a case of the jills)? A lot of different variables could be at play. Stress and isolation are not fun; I think most people who follow your blog do want to offer constructive, helpful suggestions because we generally don’t want to see another human suffering through some of the same things we went through. But you are right: it is YOUR blog and YOUR feelings, and you did put them out there packaged with marketing yourself as a health coach and vegan athlete. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t share your feelings and struggles on your blog, but perhaps some of the observations that you don’t want to hear or discuss could be helpful…? Wishing you strength and peace.

        1. Of course I’ve thought about those things, which has lead me to these conclusions and since is making me happier. It’s a long road, but right now it’s what I need.

  3. I agree that the right person comes when you’re not looking. For me, I was bitter and tired of dating drama when I met my husband. He was a guy that I just wanted to be friends with, be myself, and not give an eff. Apparently that’s what it took to build a relationship. It will happen for you. And I hear you on balancing work, life, and running – I’m feeling that stress too lately. Hang in there and connect with the positive vegan community, join local social events just to have fun and relax.

  4. It is impossible to put 100% of ourselves into all the things we want to. I’ve tried. I still do try. And, like you, I break. I know what if feels like to want to do it all, and realizing you can’t. What I tell myself is… soften. You do not need to force anything – especially relationships. Your friends love you for you…even if you are choosing to be off focusing on running and don’t have much time to see them right now. They know who you are at the core. You love to help people and you love connection – this will show even when you may not think it is. A soulmate may come into your life one day, but when you least expect it. Until then, you and yourself are a power team.

    “Treat yourself as only you can. You, with your insider knowledge of all that you’ve been through. All the tender dreams you carry, and your growing awareness of what makes you come alive. Do this as a gift to you AND us all. We all benefit.” – anonymous

    Call anytime <3

  5. No one has it all or does it all. Everyone has those stressful/frustrating/crying-filled moments. You are not alone. People are human. Sometimes they will do things that are confusing or not very nice. Sometimes they will let you down. It’s not personal. Honestly, the way people behave is more a reflection of them than it is of you. You’re awesome. Run and party on. You will figure it out. You will find your people, your crew for life. Hugs! <3

  6. I’m sorry 🙁 I’ll be praying for you as you are going through. I get really bad anxiety and have a hard time getting out during my hardest moments. It’s definitely easier to be alone and it can be really hard for me to be social when I’m feeling such a lack of balance. <3 Sending you positive vibes.

  7. So I’m going to get a little tough in love… You’re not alone Ellie; running is such a gift, but remember that Jesus promised that He is with you always even to the end of the age. He didn’t promise that we wouldn’t get hurt, but He did promise that He binds up our wounds and that He heals diseases. He redeems our life from destruction. HE has preserved you thus far precious Ellie; I’m saying this in total love, knowing that we need to hear His truth and be soaked in it.

    Praying for a confidence in God knowing that He will never leave you when you’re out there enjoying the trails, being in His creation, and soaking in His goodness.

  8. And I completely understand if you need time to be alone. Jesus our Lord went off for time alone with His Father, so time alone is not a bad thing. <3

  9. If that’s what you need to do right now, it’s always your choice- not a condemnation by the world, but your choice. You don’t want to hear concerns for your physical/emotional health, but, just remember…running is there 100% right now for you, but it could be gone any second due to many reasons, injury being most likely at this point. Jobs- they have no 100% guarantee either. Humans, however, are always in our lives. Take away running and a job, and people will still be there. You can make the choice to keep those connections alive. I hope you will. I know from experience that when running is not a possibility, relationships that continue to be nurtured when you were able to run (even if it meant sacrificing some of that running time) will be a life-saver!

    1. Actually, people have left me my whole life. I’m used to it which is why I prefer being alone. I trust things I can do myself because I know myself. Others are hard to read and unpredictable. That’s just my experience.

      1. I’m so very sorry it feels like that right now, and I’m sorry that it hurts. Please take care of yourself- emotionally and physically, so that in the future you are ready and able to be open to the meaningful, loving relationships that really will come along.

  10. I understand the feeling and where you are coming from. Sometimes I just can’t with other humans too. And it just feels like me and the world. But that’s okay- you are strong and you are resilient. Keep on telling yourself that. Human connection is amazing, but so is a positive relationship with yourself. xoxo

  11. I totally understand where you’re coming from here – but know this! You will find those humans that will just fit… even in those moments where you feel like you can’t even with everyone else.

    But for now? Look after you! That’s what’s important! <3

  12. I’m sorry, Ellie. I know you’ve been through some really tough relationships with people close to you. I’m glad you’ve found running as an outlet, passion, and joy. <3

    I think maybe one day, if you're open, someone will come along and you can learn to trust and be open with them 🙂

  13. Hmm, I’ve read all the responses and I’m with you Ellie 🙂 I think we were separated at birth ~13 years apart. I have a few close friends. Everyone else… I just can’t either. I live alone with my dog (so not really alone…). I am so content with this. Zero desire for a long-term companion. I’ve been disappointed by family in the past. If I keep my distance and know I can always rely on myself, it is such a peaceful feeling. Who said everyone is meant to be with someone else? I was meant to be on my own. People always want to say “you’ll meet someone when the time is right.” I don’t want to meet anyone. I’m happy with exercising, my job, etc. And I’m happy in my controlled world. I feel content with it. Is is the “norm”? No. But is it “wrong” or should it be any less acceptable? It isn’t and it shouldn’t be. I often think people with an annoying husband and whining kids are jealous of me and THAT is why they question 🙂

    Be you, Ellie! There is absolutely nothing wrong with going your own path. I support it and I’ve been there and it is wonderful.

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