I can’t do it anymore.
I can’t do balance anymore.
I can’t spread my heart around anymore.
I wish I could be able to focus on running, my job and relationships, but I can’t.
I feel like this is a “pick two” situation and one is automatically my job.
I’ve tried. I want to have enough emotional and mental bandwidth to have deep connections with people, to let myself be vulnerable and give/recieve love.
But I can’t.
Some days I cry.
I cry because I want so bad to have it all. I want to be 100% with running, work and relationships, but I can’t. I cry because I want to want those things. I want to be happy waiting for or looking for close relationships. I want to be someone who wants to be with people, who wants to find something. But honestly, being alone is easier.
Not having feelings is easier than feeling real feelings about others. If I remain at a distance, if I put a block on it, I can never be disappointed. I can block out the stress building. I can pretend that being alone is what I want, when really it’s just easier.
I talked about stress in an earlier post, and part of it comes from this. I want to give myself to emotional connection to other people, but to be honest and blunt, that shit wears me out. I feel exhausted in my own head. My stress manifests in niggles and pains, which makes running terrible.
It’s not worth it to me. I’d rather be alone.
I want to smile and laugh with myself. I want to lose myself in the trails, the roads, the track, not in someone else.
Why? Because running never changes. It will be both hard and easy, produce highs and lows, be familiar, yet change everyday. In short, it’s dependable. It’s straight with me. I don’t need to use my brain to decode the signals running gives me. It doesn’t send mixed messages.
If I must chose two of the three and one is my job, the other will be running.
I just can’t with humans right now. I can’t let myself be open. Being open means high highs, but low lows. I’d rather be content and injury free then put faith in someone who might let me down.
It’s running and me. Till the end.