One morning a few days ago, I was getting into the shower. I had some time before going to the next thing, so I paused and looked at myself, sans clothes, in the mirror. 

It’s been a while since I’ve done that, like months. 

I took a second and really saw myself.

I look different.

I am not overly toned to the point of looking unhealthy.

I have more cushion in my stomach and hips.

My boobs are fuller and do not just hang off my rib cage.

My love handles spill a bit over the waist band on my spandex.

I look appropriate for what I am doing. I look more like my mom (who is healthy). 

I do not look like I did when I was marathon training, nor how I did when I started running ultras.

I look fuller, stronger and not like I have a problem.

The training I am doing, the way I am resting, the food I eat is doing what it’s supposed to. I’m turning into a trail runner.

The thing is, the 15 pounds I’ve gained in the past few months have not really distributed yet. It’s still mostly on my mid section. But that’s ok. I sometimes get uncomfortable when my shorts are tight. I don’t have definition there. My belly sticks out.

I’m in love with this. 

This process. This path that has taken me so long to embrace. The changes necessary to both enjoy my life, let go of control and run well. 

I enjoy not having a routine. I enjoy spending time with friends and family. I enjoy impromptu bon fires and s’mores after a huge dinner of fried rice. 

I enjoy being cooked for by my friend’s chef boyfriend. I enjoy milkshakes and bagels at 3PM with my mom. I enjoy not worrying about training and just letting it come. I enjoy working around other people’s schedule and not making them work around mine.

I enjoy the feeling of being able to say this is enough. I don’t have to hit some quota of miles. I trust my training plan.

I now also trust my body. My beautiful naked, un-toned, strong, stubborn, silly body.

I trust you. I love you.

Thank you so much.

6 thoughts on “Naked.”

  1. Dear lord I NEEDED TO READ THIS.

    For two reasons: 1) Knowing/reading about this shift you’ve had within yourself, and the sincere JOY you are feeling with all your changes and new prospect on life…. just knowing how happy you are…. seriously makes me happy. Like, so happy.

    2) It helps me. It makes me sad that I havn’t been able to get to this spot. It makes me jealous. It makes me want to ask you “how did you get here!??” But it also gives me motivation. It gives me the reminder and kick in the butt (which I apparently need every single week as that’s how quickly it comes and goes) to let go.

    I’m very much noticing the changes in my body. The weight is definitely only in my midsection as well. Plus the digestive issues and stomach bloating, well, those definitely aren’t flattering. But I honestly don’t care. I ONLY care about getting to this spot – where you are – where I am happy and feel free and trusting with all my choices. Our bellies are now hanging over our shorts… yeah. I have lost 100% of the ab toning I once had. Yep. Its all gone. But I could care less.

    You are beautiful. I’m so happy you are happy. <3

  2. You are amazing! Those changes sound like the best sort of changes to have! I too have gained much needed weight (after YEARS of not being able to gain weight by post-coeliac diagnosis body has finally realised it can trust me!) and I am actually loving the changes.

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