One morning a few days ago, I was getting into the shower. I had some time before going to the next thing, so I paused and looked at myself, sans clothes, in the mirror.
It’s been a while since I’ve done that, like months.
I took a second and really saw myself.
I look different.
I am not overly toned to the point of looking unhealthy.
I have more cushion in my stomach and hips.
My boobs are fuller and do not just hang off my rib cage.
My love handles spill a bit over the waist band on my spandex.
I look appropriate for what I am doing. I look more like my mom (who is healthy).
I do not look like I did when I was marathon training, nor how I did when I started running ultras.
I look fuller, stronger and not like I have a problem.
The training I am doing, the way I am resting, the food I eat is doing what it’s supposed to. I’m turning into a trail runner.
The thing is, the 15 pounds I’ve gained in the past few months have not really distributed yet. It’s still mostly on my mid section. But that’s ok. I sometimes get uncomfortable when my shorts are tight. I don’t have definition there. My belly sticks out.
This process. This path that has taken me so long to embrace. The changes necessary to both enjoy my life, let go of control and run well.
I enjoy not having a routine. I enjoy spending time with friends and family. I enjoy impromptu bon fires and s’mores after a huge dinner of fried rice.
I enjoy being cooked for by my friend’s chef boyfriend. I enjoy milkshakes and bagels at 3PM with my mom. I enjoy not worrying about training and just letting it come. I enjoy working around other people’s schedule and not making them work around mine.
I now also trust my body. My beautiful naked, un-toned, strong, stubborn, silly body.
Thank you so much.