Showing Up

I’ve run away a lot in my life. I avoid social situations where I don’t have control. I like my routines, my boxes and things a certain way. My brain has a way it wants things done. When things are not that way, I have an internal battle where I convince myself not to run away.

On the surface, I seem very social, easy-going and up for most things. On a deeper level, it takes a lot of work to get me there. I’m not saying I would rather be a shy mouse in the corner, but I don’t branch out very often. I don’t do many social situations after 6PM. I make sure I give myself enough time for 8 hours of sleep.

I don’t go to bars, I don’t drink much. I like to have dinner at home. I like to get up early and go to bed early. I like to take my time.

Then, I started to build relationships and have friends. I have a huge family unit I love being a part of. Though these people drive me crazy sometimes and push me out of my Zen zone, I would not trade them for that comfort.

The second half of 2017 looked a lot different than the first half. The first half I needed to get away from Ithaca, from friends and from what I was used to. Essentially, I ran away from that comfort, but I also ran away from the responsibility that comes with forming relationships. I had a reason not to show up. I lived further away after all. Sorry, no can do. Bridal shower? Sorry, gotta work. Christmas? Hmm, I actually can’t make that. No I wasn’t mad at anyone, but I was in my comfort zone, alone, doing what I knew. I was content living that way.

In the second half of 2017, things started to change. I met Michael, Eric, Sheila and Lisa from TrailsRoc and they made me a part of their family. I started to work with my friend and running coach Mike, which forced me to be accountable with training and what I was doing. I started to crave people who liked me for me. Even crazier, I missed my family because they became people who I could talk to, lean on and laugh with. Rather than loving them because they are blood, I loved them because I love them. They make me feel whole.

Making these relationships, running a few crazy races and job circumstances led me back to Ithaca, to living with people and running with guidance. I was overjoyed to move back, but I had changed and so did my need for control.

Having relationships means showing up. It means being where you say you’ll be. It means being honest. I no longer felt “bad” for saying “yes I’ll be there but I have a run first.” In the past, I felt like I was doing something wrong or I didn’t care enough. Granted, if it was important, I skip said run, but building a new relationship with my family meant that they also understood who I was. They understand I run and doing that before I help my mom at her store or work with my dad doesn’t mean I don’t love them, it means that my priorities make running first (early before they are awake or opening up shop) and then I am more productive, happier and we get more done.

Showing up means being present, not worrying about other things that “need” to get done. Showing up means connecting when we can, but also not expecting an answer super fast because we all have things we want to do. Showing up for me meant loosening my vegan dietary preferences. Showing up meant loosening my need for control. Showing up reminded me that I don’t need to be alone and that if I do make plans one day instead of have a day to myself, the world doesn’t end, I still get my stuff done and I usually feel even more invigorated afterwards.

Showing up means not living a life online. Showing up means just being there.

Showing up is hard. It’s uncomfortable. It’s worth it.

2017 taught me how to show up. No turning back now 🙂

My Body Since JFK

I only ran the 50 miler a few days ago. My system took a beating and it’s been trying to repair itself since. This is not a bad thing, it means I did what I set out to do.

In full transparency, I want to share my experiences in the week post ultramarathon so I remember for my next one and also for those who might benefit from knowing that it’s not all #restdaybrags and eating all the food. There are some things that suck, and it’s not just the not running part.

Insomnia

Since Saturday I have not slept well. I expected this to happen, but it doesn’t make it very enjoyable. I am tired during the day, so when I go to bed I expect to fall asleep relatively quickly. However, this does not happen and I am up all night. The reason this happens is because my system has been overtaxed and my adrenals overworked. Again, this is expected after a 50 miler and soon I will get back to normal. Right now it’s just frustrating because sleep is the best recovery tool and not sleeping draws out the soreness.

Ravenous, then sick

I go from normal to starving very quickly, then I eat and feel sick. I do not feel sick because I ate too much, the food simply feels weird. This has caused me to be extra cautious and it does take the joy out of eating. This leads me to my next point,

Food is boring

You know when you are really hungry and so you expect that whatever you eat next, no matter what it is, will taste great? Well, for me, I expect that, and then the food is just underwhelming. The last food I remember that completely satisfied me were the biscuits I ate the morning after the race. Since then, food has just been energy, and that’s ok I suppose, but I’d personally like to enjoy food a bit more, especially around the holidays.

Seizing Muscles

Since the race I’ve had to work. I have a job that is physical, but nothing I cannot handle. At certain points in the past few days, my muscles will just seize up. This happens in both my arms and legs. They just make a weird movement and it hurts a bit. Again, this is part of the process and I am not injured, it’s just strange.

Restless Legs

This goes with the no sleep, but because I haven’t really had much downtime since I got home, I haven’t really let my legs completely relax. They are still a bit stimulated and think I might go on a run sometime. They just need to get used to the lack of movement, but until they do they want to move. So when I am sitting or laying for an extended period of time, they protest.

All these things will work themselves out. There is nothing concerning to me here because I am in my off season and have no plans to train. If this were happening during the season, it would be signs of OTS and something to address.

Besides the physical, mentally I am tired and ready for the break. I don’t wake up glad not to run, but I also am content not running as well. I simply know my body and mind want to do something else, actually, they want to do nothing, right now. I am not injured, I am in a good place with how I feel about running. I will wait until I am inspired for a race or it lights me up. I will know when this is happening and it will not be anytime soon.

Next up is enjoying Thanksgiving, my cousin’s baby shower and a slow holiday season.

I am content, running will be there.

Happy Thanksgiving!

My brother’s wedding

This past Saturday, my oldest brother got married to a wonderful woman I’m happy to call my sister. It was quite a fun weekend and I woke up Monday more exhausted than my last race. I’d say I did that wedding thing right.

On Saturday both my date and I had to work until mid afternoon, so after getting cleaned up and dressed, we headed to my parent’s house to take some pictures (and fill my tires with air).


Don’t we look spiffy? My sister has beautiful long hair and she did it in a fishtail style which looked lovely.

The wedding was held at the New Park Event Center in Ithaca, NY. The day was perfect. It was about 70 degrees with a slight breeze. I was very happy for this, as my dress was sleeveless and nothing is worse than being cold and having to wear a sweater over a fabulous dress.

P.S. I got it from my mom’s boutique, Fabulous But Frugal (wink wink).


My brother looked very handsome, and Cassidy, his wife, stole the gaze of everyone with her gold dress and ornate hair.

I thought he was going to lose it, but my brother held it together for the whole ceremony. The love he has for her is so wonderful.


After they tied the knot, we took pictures all around the event center. The owner has been all over the world and so each room had a theme and tons of neat stuff he brought back from his travels.


Don’t we look great? 

After pictures, we had dinner, toasts were made (all the groomsmen said something about my mom’s pie…?) and then it was time to dance! Isaac was such a great sport and danced almost the entire time with me. I’m glad I brought him!


This wedding made me so happy to be in a big family. I just couldn’t help but be thankful for everyone who came, for the love that was shown and all the fun we had. It was a night I’ll remember.

On Sunday, I was woken up each hour from like 4-7AM by our cat Mo, so I got up around 7:30 and went for a nice run in the daylight. I forget how beautiful running in the fall foliage is, especially when the weather is perfect.

I then went back to New Park for the post wedding brunch with the wedding party and close family. That was delicious as well and it was nice to just sit and talk with my brother and new sister. We were all exhausted, but in that Blissful way, almost like after a race. Just tired and happy.

My mom and I walked around the park admiring all the decorations that were harder to see the night of the wedding. I called this a rickshaw, but it’s most likely not hahaha

I travelled to my parent’s house to score some leftover food and pie from the rehearsal dinner I was unable to attend on Friday. I am definitely enjoying that this week. My mom needed to get to her boutique, so I left and did a bit of grocery shopping on my way home.

That afternoon I met with a guy in Dryden about a pop-up camper, which looked great, but I didn’t buy it…

I finished the afternoon vegging out watching Beauty and the Beast (Emma Watson you are perfect) and prepping some food for the week (rice, veggies, carrot hummus etc).

I think I fell asleep at like 7.

A great weekend. I have a new sister.

Chocolate Almond Butter Protein Balls

This recipe is a great snack for athletes with a sweet tooth, but also needing some energy to both get them through the day and recovery from their last workout. Chocolate and almond butter provide great flavor with an air of decadence. Try these today!

When I first made these balls, it was an experiment to see how many different derivatives of the almond I could use. Barney Butter, a company whom I love and am an ambassador, sent me a generous package of all their new stuff to try.


Snack packs!

Single serving pouches!

Almond butter!

Almond meal!

Almond flour!

Almond meal and almond flour?! I totally had to make something!


Almond flour is very hearty and naturally gluten free. I enjoy the taste and texture it gave these balls and it can’t hurt that they are perfect for a few of my training partners who avoid gluten. These balls back a serious nutritional punch, but I also ate them for dessert at night. No, they aren’t a cookie, but sometimes I don’t want a sugar rush before bed.


These come together so fast and freeze really well, so the whole batch will last you a while if you choose.

Also, for all the awesome people who read my blog, you can use my code EatRun20 for 20% off your next purchase at the Barney Butter website!!!

Enjoy!


Chocolate Almond Butter Protein Balls

From at

Prep: Yield: 24 ballsTotal:

You'll Need...

  • 1 cup almond butter (I use Barney Butter smooth)
  • 2/3 cup almond flour (I use Barney Butter almond flour)
  • 1/3 cup almond meal (I use Barney Butter almond meal)
  • 1 T almond milk
  • 1/3 cup chocolate protein powder
  • 2 T maple syrup
  • 1 t vanilla

Directions

  1. Melt almond butter, maple syrup and vanilla together in the microwave for about 30 seconds. Stir to combined in a medium sized bowl. Add all the rest of the ingredients and mix until a sticky but firm texture is achieved. Roll into inch sized balls. Coat in extra protein powder or cocoa powder.

Finding out “Why” is not going to fix you

When there is a problem in my life, my first thought is often to ask “why”?

Why did I bonk last weekend?

Why do I feel lousy right now?

Why can’t I sleep?

Asking myself that question, and then figuring out the answer, is often a catalyst for change.

What happens when it isn’t? What happens when you ask yourself why, figure it out, and then do nothing about it?

finding out why

Asking the question “why” itself is not going to solve your problems. I know it hasn’t solved all mine.

The following two examples are true in my life.

Example 1.)

Why am I tired today?

I didn’t sleep well last night.

Why didn’t you sleep well last night?

It was hot and I was sweaty.

Solution: buy an air conditioner

I answered the why and gave myself an option on how to solve the problem. Is my problem now solved? No, because I am not going to pay for that right now. It is not worth the money. Finding out the why did not propel me to change.

Example 2.)

I do not spend time with other people outside of work, yet I want to.

Why do I not go out more?

I like my alone time.

Lies, answer the question.

I lack the confidence to fit into social situations and I don’t like to stay up late and spend money.

Why don’t you have the confidence?

I was treated poorly growing up and those skeletons are still in my closet. I was also taught that saving money is a great accomplishment.

Solution: make a plan with someone that feels safe and gradually go out later each week.

Will I do this? I have provided my own solution that seems very reasonable to me and I have discovered why I do not like to go out. The answer again is no, I probably won’t do this.

Why? Because there is no big motivation to do it. It’s not life or death, it’s just a social stigma I feel pressured to fit in to.

Finding out the whys in each situation here has not motivated me to change.

This is the problem I sometimes have with therapy or health coaching and why I think some people stay stuck. I have been in therapy before (granted it was a few years ago now) and it seemed to me that most therapists helped you figure out the why, but did not focus on moving past it and getting on with your life.

Now, this is not all situations, but roll with me for a bit.

Too often, we search for reasons why we are the way we are as if unpacking that will help us change. I certainly did when it came to my family. If only I could change and fit in. If only I were better.

What if we just accepted the person we are, stopped asking why, and just moved forward?

What if instead of asking how we got that draped it card bill, we simply worked hard to pay it off?

I believe that sometimes, it’s best not to look too far into the negative things about ourselves, but to either accept them, or change them and move on.

I’ll give one more example.

When I lived at home, it was a very negative environment. Everyday I got the message that I was a worthless being. While I lived there, I would constantly ask myself why I was treated this way, as if I could change it.

But you know what? By simply being in that space, just physically being there, was enough for them to treat me poorly.

Asking the why was pointless because there was nothing I could do to change their behavior. It was just the presence of another human being that made the negativity spew out.

So, I decided not to change myself. I simply moved out and started living to be me. When I am a health coach, my goal will be to give people the tools so that they don’t need me. I will constantly evaluate my client’s progress and if things aren’t progressing, I will change my methods or suggest they see someone else.

I challenge you, instead of asking yourself why you missed that workout, just do the next one.

Instead of asking yourself why you made a bad grade on the paper, just try harder on the next one.

Do not dwell in the negative. Learn from it, then move on from it. Click To Tweet

I have decided to stop asking why something bad has happened and just do what I can to make the next moment a good one.

Do you find yourself asking why instead of making change?

How has this help you back?