“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone” — Blaise Pascal
I live with two roommates. I enjoy living with them and sincerely appreciate their friendship. If things weren’t changing at the end of the year, I would be content to stay living with them.
That said, I will be living alone again come the end of December. I am looking forward to it, kind of a lot.
I am surrounded by people all day at my job. I love it. I am good at it. People are fun to talk with and I do not wish I had a solitary work environment. However, when I am not there, I want peace. I want to be with myself. I want the security that I have a space no one else can access unless I allow them.
I don’t know how this looks reading what I’ve wrote, but it’s how I feel. Knowing I have a space that is just mine actually makes me more willing to see people outside of it. I don’t hesitate to visit family or friends because I know I have a space to retreat. It’s security for my mental space. Even if I spend the night somewhere now, with my van, I still have MY space. I have a movable house and it has locks. If I need it I can take a couple minutes or hours by myself to recharge.
I can do that now. Lesley, Mark and Mo (the cat) do not intrude on my time and I do enjoy their company. However it is different owning your own space. Being able to do whatever I want whenever I want is my version of The American Dream. I don’t need a house or too much money. I hate having too much stuff. I’d trade all of that for my peace of mind. For being able to live the way I want to live.
I don’t care if this alone time or what I am trying to accomplish with my van is hard. I know it will be hard and that survivalist, living on a budget, without so many comforts oddly creates a sense of freedom. If all the things I had were taken away, could I make it? Being alone gives me peace and also helps me confront my demons. It’s scary, but it’s what makes me feel alive.
Will I be alone forever? Who knows, but if that happens, I know I’ll be ok. And that’s good enough for me.