Being Alone

“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone” — Blaise Pascal

I live with two roommates. I enjoy living with them and sincerely appreciate their friendship. If things weren’t changing at the end of the year, I would be content to stay living with them.

That said, I will be living alone again come the end of December. I am looking forward to it, kind of a lot.

I am surrounded by people all day at my job. I love it. I am good at it. People are fun to talk with and I do not wish I had a solitary work environment. However, when I am not there, I want peace. I want to be with myself. I want the security that I have a space no one else can access unless I allow them.

I don’t know how this looks reading what I’ve wrote, but it’s how I feel. Knowing I have a space that is just mine actually makes me more willing to see people outside of it. I don’t hesitate to visit family or friends because I know I have a space to retreat. It’s security for my mental space. Even if I spend the night somewhere now, with my van, I still have MY space. I have a movable house and it has locks. If I need it I can take a couple minutes or hours by myself to recharge.

I can do that now. Lesley, Mark and Mo (the cat) do not intrude on my time and I do enjoy their company. However it is different owning your own space. Being able to do whatever I want whenever I want is my version of The American Dream. I don’t need a house or too much money. I hate having too much stuff. I’d trade all of that for my peace of mind. For being able to live the way I want to live.

I don’t care if this alone time or what I am trying to accomplish with my van is hard. I know it will be hard and that survivalist, living on a budget, without so many comforts oddly creates a sense of freedom. If all the things I had were taken away, could I make it? Being alone gives me peace and also helps me confront my demons. It’s scary, but it’s what makes me feel alive.

Will I be alone forever? Who knows, but if that happens, I know I’ll be ok. And that’s good enough for me.

6 thoughts on “Being Alone”

  1. I love being alone and just spending time talking to the Lord. There’s such a sacred, sweet realization to being alone and yet realizing that in Christ I’m not alone, because God is with me. I really treasure that time, and I’m thankful that being alone never really has to be truly alone by God’s grace.

  2. Being alone can be a real fear for many people. Some people I’ve known go from relationship to relationship and have never actually experienced independent living. I can empathize and sort of get it, but being afraid to be with yourself… gosh I just think that’s so unfortunate. We have to be our own best friends for no one will be able to give us what we need more than what we give ourselves. You are so very cool, to be so independent and brave and confident in being with you, your self. And yet you don’t isolate. I love how you’ve said having your own place makes you appreciate your time with others. Yes yes yes.

    1. I do enjoy what you’ve said here Cora, however I also notice that I need people sometimes. In my last race, I would not have gotten through without the two guys I ran with. I didn’t even have to talk, just listening to them got me farther than I could have alone. I also find I enjoy time with family much more now that it is not forced upon me 🙂

  3. I’m someone who doesn’t like to be alone – not out of fear but because I crave the company of others. But that also makes me really admire people who love being alone and enjoying their own company because I can’t do it! Isn’t it funny how we can all have such different personalities?

    You do you, girl! <3

  4. As you wondered what it looked like written out to your readers: not weird. Understand- and relatable. To me at least. And that’s not because I didn’t like spending time with others; quite the opposite: I need it. Yet as an introvert, I crave and enjoy more me time than the average person [assuming the “average” person is extroverted]. From my experience, this is often met with incomprehension by others but I can’t change my personality and neither do I expect others to.

    1. I think being unapologetic about it helps. This is the way I am, I should not feel bad for wanting to be with myself. God gave my my soul and body for myself, not for anyone else 🙂

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