I didn’t choose this because it was easy

I have felt so emotional this week. I just cannot get out of my head and I really don’t want to be around anyone. I am so ready to be done with work for the week. I love my job, but sometimes I really just want to have time to think and be by myself.

This morning’s workout sucked. Point blank it should have been manageable but it was hard. After 4 intervals I had to stop, take a break and reassess the plan. I finished what I could, but it wasn’t great.

I don’t even want to tell my coach about it. So I wont until he asks. I just don’t want to engage with anyone right now. I want to sit here, on my bike, edit a few photos for Agava, read my book and just let my worries fall away.

Progress. I need to think about progress. Both regarding my van and my running life. I will be moving at the end of the month. Not horrible, but also, not ideal. It will be fine, it’s just different and another stress I’ll need to think about. Luckily it’s after my race, so I won’t need to fit in running as I adjust to a new routine. I’ll need to move my van a few times a day and I’ll need to decide where to park at night. I am feeling good about the power my solar panels draw, so that should get me through the last of the colder days here.

I can always park at Wal-Mart a few days if it’s really cold. No big thing. I don’t have things in my van that can freeze besides water, which I can get anywhere.

This change has reminded me of my goals for next winter. I plan to go south and live there for the cold months, and return around this time next year. That was my plan initially, so this move has reinvigorated my motivation to make a plan to travel south for winters.

It will be ok. I know this. Yet, it is still kind of stressful and hard to deal with.

My run this morning didn’t make me feel too confident, yet I’m almost accepting of it. It was hard. Hands on my knees hard. During my taper, meaning it shouldn’t have been. But it was. I endured it. I did my best. That’s what this training cycle and what running is. I do my best.

I didn’t choose van life or running because it was easy. I chose them because they fulfill me and make me complete. I am a better and stronger person for choosing to live this way.

Breakfast: sunflower butter and coconut butter on sourdough with an apple

Running: 56 minutes

Dialing in the taper and Easter

About 10 days out from my next race and I’m dialing things in appropriately. Yesterday I went for easy miles with hills, today was off. Tomorrow my coach said intervals will be on the schedule, but I’m sure they will be short as no fitness can be gained right now. I feel comfortable.

My diet ranges between sourdough sandwiches, vegan cheese and oatmeal. Hitting all the major food groups. The past two nights have featured a chocolate bar. I don’t hate it, even if I feel like I don’t have too crazy of a sweet tooth.

I realized this morning that my race is the day before Easter! It has snuck up on me this year even though I have been planning posts for Agava about our brunch. It has yet to have a menu, so I’m still not convinced the holiday is approaching. I used to love Easter Sunday. We would get up and go to the lake for a sunrise service. It was usually freezing, but we’d stand there in new dresses my mom made for us. Then we’d have brunch at church, and usually the weather got better. Easter baskets, all the stuff.

The past few Easters I honestly don’t remember what I did. I acknowledge the day, but I haven’t done anything special. This year my sister invited me to her house, so I’m most likely doing that. I just have to remember to take it off work. They won’t want me to work anyway, I’ll hopefully be destroyed after running 50 miles.

Breakfast: chocolate oatmeal with banana and sunflower butter

Running: REST

Lady Parts and Love

I’m feeling better about my lady parts today than I did yesterday. I think the reality that I’m a 26 year old female who has prioritized things outside of love for most of my life hit me. And honestly, in all my feminist, independent woman leanings, it made me a bit sad.

[having a blister here also made me sad]

My coach tells me all the time that I don’t know what I’m missing out on not being in love or having another person. I know he’s right, however I’m not just going to sleep around or find a random person to get together with.

I am not lonely. I have a full life. I have no idea where another person would fit. But that’s the beauty of it I guess, finding another person when it doesn’t feel like you need it.

For the first part of my 20s, I needed to learn to love myself. Now maybe I need to let other people love me.

Breakfast: peanut butter and butter on sourdough

Running: 71 minutes

Pelvic exam

Yesterday I went to the doctors. Since getting my own insurance this past year, I immediately scheduled appointments that are covered. The earliest I could get in to have an initial PCP appointment was March 19th.

Not a huge deal, I haven’t gone in years so it wasn’t something I thought about. The place was nice and convenient to my location. I didn’t think too much about it. Height, weight, eyes, family history etc.

Well we got over the initial stuff with no hick ups (except I have to go get glasses) and started to talk about my health history. I explained to her my lack of period, my exercise habits and that I was concerned about my hormone levels. I will be sending her my blood work from Inside Tracker for her to check.

We got passed that and she was optimistic saying since I had a period there was no reason I shouldn’t get one again and we can work on that. We then went onto the pelvic exam and that’s when shit got weird.

I don’t know if it was just me and it being my first, but it initially hurt and she stopped immediately. That was nice, but she didn’t try again and gave me a referral to a gynecologist for a soothing cream so she can get the probe in easier next time.

I felt really weak and empty after this. I don’t know why, but I feel like, almost anti-feminine. Like something is wrong with me. Maybe something is. I don’t know. I feel like it was a different experience, so I wasn’t sure what to expect. Of course I would have shied away at first. They are sticking a plastic, cold probe up my vagina. That’s different than other things you know?

Well, it wasn’t the greatest first experience with that, but I feel like I have enough endurance to get through it. So I might just wait a few weeks and go back for the exam again. I’m tough and I can get through that.

Long story short, I slept horribly and feel like not even a person, which also made today’s tempo run interesting. I mean it sucked. Whatever, all I can do is move forward.

Breakfast: sunflower butter and coconut butter on sourdough

Running: 72 minutes

Snow running Sunday

Yesterday was the first Sunday off from CTB since I started. It did not disappoint in the least!

I went up to Naples, NY to run the Muddy Sneaker course with my coach and friends from Rochester. The course is up and down technical trails, and yesterday they were covered in snow.

A foot of thick snow. For the whole 12 Mile course.

It was wonderful. Hard, humbling, slow, wonderful.

In appropriate weather, the course should take about 2 hours to complete. We got through it in about 4. It didn’t help that my coach got us lost and at one point was lying in the fetal position on the snow bank. But it ended great and I had a good time.

There was no better way to spend my Sunday than with people who get me and doing what I love.

Spring is coming, that course will be fun to run in the warmer weather.

Breakfast: peanut butter and coconut butter sandwich on sourdough

Running: 45 minutes