Well, here goes everything…

Tonight is my first night in the van full time. I’m moved out of my apartment, put stuff in storage, sold a lot and hopefully my things are going to people who can use them more than I.

I do have some fears, mostly being cold or spilling crap everywhere. However, as I think about tonight, it’s a new beginning, one that will be very hard for me, but necessary for my growth as a spiritual and physical being. I have gone over in my head the different situations that might come up. These are not van-break-down scenarios (although I’ve thought about that!), but more what I will do when I feel emotionally anxious or lonely.

I do not deal with loneliness very much anymore. I have three very social jobs and actually love my alone time. I also have a family and support system of friends who I can call in one second to make me feel loved. I do not fear loneliness in that sense. I fear downtime in the van. I wonder if I will get anxious or claustrophobic. I worry that my heater will break in the middle of the night. I worry I won’t be able to get the door open when my hands are frozen.

I do have worries, but to be honest, I’m elated!

I want to live alone again. I want to be free and not tied down by rent payments in large buildings that provide more space than I need for unnecessary items that clutter my mind. I want to own my own thing, that no one can take or use. I want to put my energy and soul into this thing and make it a part of me.

I want to find out what it means to survive. I want to see what I need to live on. I want to be able to go somewhere at any time and know how to live or what to do. I want to teach myself to fix my shit when it breaks. I want to get tougher, to embrace cold or exposure.

I want to find a way to live comfortably in a van. I want to have less of an impact on the world. I want to be responsible for my energy usage, and try to mitigate that usage if I can. I want to love it. I want it to be challenging. I want to live in my van.

Here goes everything.

Focus and Willpower

My word for 2017 was Tough.

In 2017, I made myself tougher in many respects.

I ran some gnarly trails.

I lived alone on Syracuse for 6 months.

I moved back to Ithaca.

I showed up for people.

I made pain my friend.

I tried to get better at being cold.

I controlled my mouth and sarcasm.

I stopped being vegan when it didn’t work for me.

I would say that on the whole, I am tougher than last year at this time.

My words for this year are: Focus and Willpower, or the willpower to remain focused on whatever I am doing.

I want to continue to be present, for people, for work, for assignments.

Focusing on one thing at a time is something I have to practice because there are always a million things vying for my attention.

The million tabs open.

The mindless Instagram scrolling.

The people talking while I am doing something else.

When I don’t give what’s important my full attention, the job I do, the recipe I am making or even the food I am eating is simply sub par. Focusing and concentrating on the task at hand, even if my gaze or thoughts are pulled away, but coming back to focus on that task, is something I believe has been serving me this past month.

I refuse to skim articles. If I begin to read it, I will finish it regardless of interest level.

I finish editing one photo before moving onto the other things I remember I also need to do.

I eat a bite, and actually taste it before moving onto the next one.


The second word, willpower, is simply a descriptive word of how I will remain focused. When I don’t want to finish reading an article or start to skim, the word willpower goes through my mind and I keep reading.

When I think of the fears I have moving into a van, I think about the willpower I need to make it through the beginning rough stages.

Grit could be another word, but willpower speaks to me.

Willpower and Focus.

Focus first, use willpower to remain focused.

My words of 2018.